Once you hit a certain age, usually twenty-five and over, your social calendar quickly begins to follow a formula: a blur of engagement parties, weddings, and baby showers.
Typically one follows the other and you find yourself wearing the same suit for 30 weekends of the year. But sandwiched in between those major milestones is the promised land: the bucks weekend.
I am fresh off surviving my own bucks weekend, two days of putrid debauchery in the Hunter Valley. I cherry-picked twenty of the best worst blokes I know, stuffed them into a bus and off we went. We happened to pick a weekend where the temps bottomed out at a mild 42 degrees, and upon arrival learnt the house had no air con. A sweaty clusterfuck.
But the crippling heat sharpened my senses and helped me realise that no matter the bucks party, whether it’s your own or someone else’s, you can expect to meet the same cast of rotten characters.
Welcome to 10 flogs you’ll only meet on a bucks weekend.
The Flog Who Gets Weird With The Stripper
Feeling confident after a thousand beers and a huge win on SportsBet, this guy can be seen lingering around after the strip show has finished. Believing he can offer this lady a ‘pathway to a better life,’ he has no idea that the stripper is out-earning him two-to-one and loves her job. She’ll naturally decline his invite to stay for a drink, then he’ll spend the rest of the evening searching for her Insta handle.
The Calls It Early Flog
When the clock strikes ten, this flog is never seen again. While the bucks is traditionally a period of maximum fun times into the early hours of the morning, this poor fella simply hasn’t got the stamina anymore. The smoke bomb is his power move of choice, though you may see him resurfacing around 2 AM to deliver a stern “Honestly guys, it’s two o’clock in the morning,” to the last men standing.
The "Come On, Cut Me In" Flog
Depending on the level of looseness amongst your mates, there will come a time when the microwave is exclusively used for plate heating purposes. It’s also around this time that the "Come On, Cut Me In" Flog pokes his head into the kitchen. Having failed to source his own party treats, despite talking an Escobar-style game, he’s now keen to cut in - can you cut me in, oi I’ll transfer right now, pleaaase???
The “I Wonder What The Girls Are Up To???” Flog
If the bucks coincide with the hens, you can bet your last dollar that one of the dudes will spend 98% of the weekend worrying about what his girlfriend is up to. When he’s not openly wondering what they’re doing, he’ll be hot on the text line to his lady and trying to play it off like he's checking in with the office.
“Hey babe, yeah I’m having fun, miss you tho :( The guys are being pretty loose, but I’m just kinda pacing myself. What you up to??? FT later?”
The Everything’s A Drinking Game Flog
Thought you were going to have a pleasant weekend enjoying a few cold beers with good friends? Think again. This flog is hellbent on ensuring that every moment becomes an opportunity to get shitfaced. Taking it upon himself to channel the spirit of Stifler from American Pie, this flog will be calling you out for not drinking from your left hand or keeping your thumb on the table. Cross this guy and you could risk skulling every beverage the whole weekend.
The Happy To Be Away From The Kids Flog
This guy is a little further down the road than most of his peers, so the bucks weekend offers him a golden chance to relive the glory days. With his wife and kids tucked away in the suburbs, he’ll absolutely let loose once he's beyond city borders. There's an 85% chance he’ll go too hard, peak too early and a strong probability that he'll end up calling the wife early Sunday morning to come and pick him up.
The Putrid Photos Flog
It’s important to capture everlasting memories of life’s precious moments - but none of those moments will happen on a bucks weekend. And yet there is always one putrid paparazzi wielding his SLR and snapping away. As the weekend escalates everyone forgets about the flash of doom going off in their faces, and it’s not until the following week - usually Tuesday or Wednesday - that the mass photo dump sends you hurtling back to all the mistakes you made. Snaps of sloppy rigs and triple chins - just what you need after a big weekend.
The "Don’t Forget About The Deposit" Flog
Every group of mates needs that one guy who is able to get his shit together and handle the logistics: booking the house, sorting the bus, organising golf. Unfortunately for this flog, it’s this same crippling dedication to order that prevents him from having a good time. He’ll spend the entire time reminding everyone that we NEED to get the deposit back on the house/boat/hotel etc. Good luck with that, pal.
The "Oi Let Me Put A Banger On" Flog
...AKA Don’t Be Daft, Punk
We all have a mate who backs himself as the Vibe Master™ and will instantly hijack the speakers the minute the bucks kicks off. “Hey what’s the Bluetooth?” is the first sign that he’s about to ruin everything and attempt to remake Solomun's Boiler Room set. You can do your best to keep him away from the tunes, but he’ll wear you down and in the end, it’s just easier to just let him play Inspector Norse by Todd Terje and be done with it.
The D&M Flog
Harmless but intense, this flog is most likely to corner you just as things are kicking off. The deadly combination of too much testosterone and too many Tooheys has this guy deep in his feelings. Try not to fall into his trap or risk spending much of your weekend saying, “Yeah, fully” as he rants about all the shortcomings of his career/relationship/faltering startup.
Stuck for bucks weekend ideas? Have a read of our five epic bucks party ideas that'll have you talking about it for years.