A Melbournian's Guide To Doing Public Transport Right

Here’s a quick guide to make sure the transition to train, tram and bus travel is smoother than many of the railway lines.
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The Melbourne public transport system is a unique beast, compared to those not only in other Australian states, but also around the globe. There are strict, and often complex social orders and standards which must be followed, should your acceptance into the Metro family be guaranteed. Here’s a quick guide to make sure the transition to train, tram and bus travel is smoother than many of the railway lines.

1. You’ll have to buy a ticket, before you can buy another ticket, which will eventually allow you to travel. The Myki system is flawed, but by having to purchase a $6 plastic card, which you will then have to top up every time you travel, even if you plan on only using the public transport system once, the logical process of just buying a paper ticket every time you travel, is avoided. Bless the Myki ticketing system.

2. If you have a bag or some form of luggage, please make sure you place it on the seat next or opposite you, especially if it is a peak hour train which is incredibly busy. Your bag will always take priority over the comfort of other passengers, who will rightfully have to stand for their journey.

3. Playing games on your phone with the sound on is an absolute must, particularly one which makes a noise every couple of seconds. Full volume is required to entirely fulfil this norm. All fellow passengers should know exactly how your progression on Doodle Jump is.

4. Holding a consistent text message conversation and not placing your phone on silent is also drastically needed. The continuous dinging and alerts which your phone will ring out upon every received text message will surely notify all other commuters that you are, indeed, as suspected, a social butterfly.

5. Speaking unnecessarily loudly on the phone as you ask how your acquaintances day was, what they’ve been up to and what their plans are for the extended future (5-10 years) is also paramount to your acceptance. The entire carriage should be able to hear the full intricacy of your friendship.

6. If ticket inspectors do happen to be on your train, checking for valid and ‘touched on’ passengers, loudly demonstrate your clear inconvenience in having to make the long search for your Myki inside your wallet, sighing and huffing as you search, to show your clear displeasure in having to prove you are a rare, paying customer.

7. Finally, and most importantly, using the priority seat, placed conveniently for the disabled and health effected, as opposed to sitting next to an elderly lady in a four seat setup, will truly make fellow public transport users believe you are a constant Metro user.

Follow these seven simple steps and whether you are an amateur public transport user, or a regular commuter, no travel companion will be able to identify the difference.