In the last month, life as we know it has been flipped on its head. You may think everything has changed, but in many ways, you could argue that nothing has changed in the art of how to take a good dick pic. It’s more important now than ever.
As per Maslow’s Hierarchy, we still require the same basic needs to survive – air, food, shelter, sleep and sex. But if you’re currently enduring isolation solo, you’ll need to get a little bit more creative about getting that last one across the line.
For the millions of singles or long-distance couples spending lockdown apart, nudes are literally all you have right now, and here at BH – we want to help. Pornhub’s free premium subscription, as generous as it is, only gets you by from one lonely, horny day to the next. Think of our guide on how to take a good dick pic as just another practical way to upskill.
And trust me, it’s verified. By merely being a woman on a dating app, I have unwillingly been sent dozens of them as conversation openers. All without asking, and not even one of them worthy of a screenshot to send to a friend. Because to add insult to injury, these unwanted surprises are usually poorly lit or blurry snaps taken at what can only be described as genuinely frightening angles, and more often than not, alongside bizarre kitchen props (true story).
Dick pics – like those mentioned above – have a terrible reputation because:
- They are sent without our warning or consent.
- They are catered entirely to your POV, and not ours.
- They are more about you validating your size than attempting to connect with us.
Why put in the effort to take a good dick pic?
It’s just another type of foreplay, essentially. It’s in all of our best interests that the quality of dick pics out there improves significantly. And that’s on you, boys.
If we like you, you can find a harmonious balance between witty and dirty chat, and spice things up with the perfect dick pic (which we expressly ask for), it could work absolute wonders for both you and us. Not just in isolation, either, but well beyond.
I don’t believe that taking the perfect dick pic is an art. I think it is a skill that can be learned and perfected in a surprisingly short amount of time. I’ve highlighted below some fundamental principles which will help you master an eye-catching penis portrait, from a female perspective.
But first, the hard chat.
No matter how good your photo is, or how good you think it is, if we didn’t ask for it don’t fucking send it. Sending someone an unsolicited and unwanted dick pic isn’t only incredibly annoying, it’s also sexual harassment. And no, we won’t simply overlook the lack of consent because we are ‘so impressed’ by what we’re seeing. That is not how women think, and the only way you’re going to get anywhere with a dick pic is if you start thinking about it from our lens.
If you go fast and loose on dick pics we didn’t ask for, you will be blocked, reported, and depending on the receiver; screenshotted and sent to your boss on LinkedIn. Make sure you’re sending your dick pic to someone who has asked to see it. Simples.
One of the best parts of receiving a dick pic is the build-up to receiving it. Just like any sort of sexting, have fun with it, test the waters to ensure you are both keen and start slow. Pacing is crucial. Remember the thrill is in the chase, not just the end game.
Men and women approach desire very differently. For women, it’s a well-rounded experience and far more than just strictly visual. What do you think all those Diptyque candles are for? Smell, sound and touch play equal parts in sexual tension.
We’d suggest syncing up to the same playlist as your fornication correspondent, or at least synchronise what you’re both drinking. Ensure she is in peak comfort by making use of the excellent drink delivery services at the moment. Ordering her a bottle of vino for the night you want things to get heated is a nice little touch.
When the conversation heads toward the topic of what you’re both wearing, remember that leaving something to the imagination can be a lot hotter for women, than just outright flaunting it. It also gives you the chance to get some feedback. Because we can confirm that sending a bad dick pic is truly worse than not sending one at all.
Test a snap in your quality, hole-free, clean and fitted boxers or briefs, which accentuate your outline. If things keep moving forward on her end, you’re off to a good start.
While we’re still on the topic of preparation, I can’t believe I have to say it: but make sure you are ‘ready’ for the snap – think along the lines of grooming and arousal. Next is how to compose the photo itself. Just because ‘dick’ is in the title, it doesn’t mean you can simply skip over every other fundamental element of photography.
Natural lighting always works best and should be your preference over artificial sources of lighting. It’s called golden hour for a reason. However, I am very aware that the likelihood of a daytime dick pic is relatively low. If you are getting the green light in the day, however, good for you!
If you need to rely on artificial lighting, be mindful of the hue, colour and how it affects what you look like on camera. Focus as well on any shadows cast from the light, or your phone as you take the shot. Please avoid lighting the shot with the artificial glow from your laptop screen, TV or the torch from your phone.
Elements of Space
FFS, zoom out! A good rule of thumb is keeping a 1:3 ratio in your dick pic’s overall composition. To spell it out, your dick should take up a maximum 1/3 of the frame, and the rest should be some of your other body parts, like your torso and thighs. Lead with whichever is your better asset. Trust me, by using the principles of positive and negative space, you’re drawing more of our attention to yourself by zooming out a bit. Zoomed in cryptic shots where we’re trying to decipher whether we’re looking at a prehistoric animal, your foot, or your pet, don’t go down well.
Please don’t send us pictures of your dick taken from weird and scary angles. Such as looking down at your penis with your toes in the background. Or up from the base, including your tensed up face trying so hard to concentrate on bending yourself into a pretzel to take the shot.
Any selfie angle from front-on or from slightly above you is preferred. You can achieve this lying down, standing or kneeling. Avoid using a mirror, as the flash or wider reveal of your bedroom could ruin it. Arch your back a bit and play with your flattering angles. If you need assistance from a tripod, or books to prop up your phone so you can take a front-on shot with the self-timer, so be it.
Remember, it’s you guys who get off on POV porn, not us. The POV we would typically have is sitting on top of you, so a shot of you laying on the bed holding your phone above you (at a one-chin only reveal height) is a reasonably safe bet.
Your backdrop is essential. Remove any elements that will distract from what we’re all here to see. We don’t want to see any remnants of your washing, gym clothes, or that bottle of moisturiser on your bedside table.
We also don’t care to see your dick in strange places that it shouldn’t be. For example, a shot you’ve taken on top of ruffled sheets is suggestive. So too is a shot you’ve taken fresh out of the shower. But ditch the desire to photoshoot your dick in the kitchen next to a cutlery drawer, resting in the sink of the bathroom, or hanging over the toilet (again, sadly all very true stories).
Please don’t include random inanimate objects, like rulers, wine glasses or laptop charging cords, for scale in your pictures. We will validate your penis if you take the time and effort in putting together an excellent pic for us. Not if you are just screaming out for validation of your size.
If we see you getting creative, our minds will naturally wonder how creative you might be in the bedroom – a much better way for us to size you up than seeing your actual size-to-scale.
Hands are the only pre-approved prop you should be using. Providing they are clean, rid of dirty fingers nails, and positioned well. Don’t tightly grip yourself with your whole hand (or both hands!). We’ll just focus on how you wrangled that type of photo or wonder who took the shot.
Similarly, I should mention the outfit here. Stay on theme. If you have opted for a fresh out-of-the-shower look, wet hair and a towel are convincing. If you have chosen the bed as your backdrop, commit to an outline shot in pyjamas, or no pyjamas. Don’t ever do things by halves. Tee and no bottoms isn’t a good look; neither is nothing but your socks. It will leave us with far more questions than you think the picture answers.
Please don’t send us any pictures on your camera roll you have previously sent other girls. If our conversation heats up in the evening, and you send us a sunny daylight dick pic you prepared earlier, we are going to smell a rat.
Don’t use a photo you googled – that one should be obvious (you’d think). If you are genuinely using this as an intermediary tool to keep things heated until we can meet, don’t think that we won’t remember what was said and sent. If you are, however, concerned with privacy, there are plenty of ways to send us a great photo without your face in it. And many different expiry options depending on where you choose to send it.
What about videos?
If a dick pic isn’t risky enough, know that the risk increases tenfold with a video. However, if you have already exchanged a series of photos that have gone down well, the same rules apply. Women like storyline, subtlety and build up. We don’t get off to the same in-your-face porn as you might. Please DO NOT send us videos of you masturbating! Do not pass go; do not collect $200.
The most important takeaway from this guide on how to take a good dick pic should be putting your ego aside and putting yourself in the shoes of the woman receiving it. Our priorities are different. If it were us, you’d be getting just a single shot out of hundreds of bursts, which we meticulously took and selected, just for you.
Have fun with it! The positive thing about a global pandemic is the businesses that blossom out of it. I hear a few accounts are currently offering dick pic reviews for $50 bucks a pop (in case you were asking… for a friend of course).