All the glitters ain't gold... but even when they are, you shouldn't pay for it.

OK. Lets cut the shit. Gold on food. It's dumb. It's the pinnacle of dumb. Every time I scroll my newsfeed and see a video posted by your Business Insiders, your First We Feasts, and your BuzzFuckRightOffs wErTh iTs, I see this...

bagel-1024x680

... this...

... this...

... and this...

For reference, what you're looking at is a thousand USD bagel, 24 karat chicken wings, of which a pile of could set you back another thousand USD, and a $25,000 USD taco. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Pizzas, desserts, burgers-- you can find countless overpriced menu items with a scraggly pubic hair of gold on it to warrant a trust fund price tag. Yeah...

But here's the things. Gold is tasteless. And not in the way leopard print, Def Leopard, and an investment banker's uniform of Patagonia vests, chinos, and an Oxford collar shirt is tasteless (but also that). I mean it tastes like nothing. So why are people bull rushing to pay stacks on stacks for a mediocre feed? A mediocre feed whose only value comes from flexing on other people, which is just inherently and unapologetically douché (yes, a guy who used 'é' in a filler article is calling you out of being a douche; look inwards on the person you are). I'm reminded of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park explaining doing something because you could and not considering whether you should. 

Let's make a vow to end this bougie nonsense. Because as it stands, the facts are: 1. Gold does not add flavour, 2. Gold does not add texture, 3. Gold only adds to your bill, and 4. This is dumb... you realise that right? You're paying a university degree worth of money so your shit comes out a little glittery. 

To help you would-be Trumpian tier ballers, here are a list of things you could do with $1000 USD instead of getting gold dipped wings, bagels, or tacos:

  1. 66.89 x Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 DVDS 
  2. 694 x cans of XXXX Gold
  3. 5 x sick multis on SportsBet which covers Albanian lacrosse 
  4. 0.082 x Bitcoins (depending on when you're reading this)
  5. 50 x Rolex knock-offs from Thailand
  6. 1 x Vanilla Ice's net worth 
  7. 1 x Sam Dastyari's integrity (converted to ¥)  
  8. 1 x Bill Shorten's spine 
  9. 1812 x therapeutic food sachet donations via UNICEF 
  10. 930 x polio + measles vaccines via UNICEF