When Larry David, the Social Assassin himself, used a โMake America Great Againโ hat to get out of plans he had unwillingly committed to โ I questioned what the hell hope there was for the rest of us.
It was a desperate but ingenious way out, only after his initial โbig goodbyeโ life hack fell flat.
A โbig goodbyeโ is when you purposefully ignore someone throughout an event but give them a grandiose goodbye as you exit.
Larry always spotlights the absurdity of our day-to-day behaviour and the ridiculous social obligations we reluctantly endure. He is as irritating, selfish and cringeworthy as he is charming โ but I absolutely feel him on this one.
We are all guilty of saying โyesโ when we really mean โnoโ, and then desperately trying to wrangle ourselves out of it.
We feel conflicted between what they want us to do, and what we want to do. It can be with anyone; a boss, a mate, a family member or a partner, and most of us just cave to avoid the confrontation and looking like an asshole.
Despite the hilarity, surely itโs got to be easier to say โnoโ than sporting a Trump hat.
Why do we do it?
Itโs got a name โ โNormative Social Influence.โ
We are wired to get along, and it goes all the way back to our hunter-gatherer days. It was the difference between surviving with the tribe or getting ditched solo in the Sahara.
Deep down, we care what other people think of us. We have an ingrained need to please.
- We donโt want to disappoint anyone or feel uncomfortable, us or them.
- We fear the FOMO of saying no.
- We donโt want to seem rude or like a dickhead.
But we forget everything comes with an โopportunity costโ. That is, saying yes to one thing, especially one we donโt want to do, means saying no to others. And potentially those others are far better things.
It also wastes everyoneโs time and energy. So here are some ways to rip the band-aid, offer up no, and then quickly get over it.
A quick fix
The best way to say no is simply by working out your own shit; being clear about what you have time for and what you donโt. We all have time constraints and its easier to say no once you have figured out what else is more relevant to you.
Youโll view things as more of a trade-off, what is of purpose to you, and what is not.
Be straight up
You donโt actually have to say the words โnoโ. There are plenty of other sugarcoated synonyms which are just as firm, direct and leave absolutely no wiggle room. If it helps, approach it like a compliment sandwichโฆ
1. Ease into it
Iโm flattered. Itโs a great idea. Thank you for thinking of me, etc.
2. The hard stuff
But I canโt. I donโt have the time. Iโm overstretched. Iโll pass. Iโm unavailable. Itโs not right for me. Itโs not my expertise, I might do (X) instead.
3. If itโs awkward, repeat step 1
Or, chuck a filler in place until you can think up a better answer, such as: Let me check the calendar mate and Iโll get back to you. Then immediately follow it up with a polite version of โnoโ via message or email, because a screen is infinitely better than facing the dread straight on in their eyes.
Itโs powdered down, but itโs infinitely better than a loose or flakey โyesโ where you continue to string them along.
Delaying the eventual โnoโ is both bloody annoying and a waste of time for everyone. Drop in the truth, and everyone can get over it quickly and not be resentful.
The dreaded response
If youโve delivered the news succinctly and kindly, and they canโt say โthanks for being honestโ or โno worries mateโ โ thatโs totally on them. Your conscience is clear. Best case scenario is that they will respect you a lot more.
Itโs not about you, or them
If itโs someone close to you, you may need to remind yourself to isolate the situation from your relationship. Saying no, now, is not denying the person. We think it is, but itโs not.
Even if youโre passing up a date, youโre not rejecting them; youโre saying they are not right, for you. Focussing on this difference will help you avoid caving with a yes when you feel like a terrible person.
The only acceptable โno, butโฆโ
- No to (X) but I can do (alternative)
- No, but (X) might be interested
- I can possibly make this work if you could help me out with (X)
This makes the situation more of an even playing field and makes you appear more accommodating.
And if all else fails, in the lead up to 2020 presidential election, โMake American Great Againโ hats are going for a super cheap โ just $12 bucks on eBay.
