The minute the mercury dips below twenty degrees in Australia, the great migration of the Euro-Summer flog begins.
Dusting off their passport(s), this flog triple checks their frequent flyer status (Silver at best) and makes a beeline for the airport, stopping at the ‘Departures’ sign for their first of many obligatory photos.
They say farewell to mum and dad (for two weeks, before linking up in the South of France), and head off on their month-long bender. Every moment captured, filtered and Instagrammed for us back home to endure.
Prepare yourself team, because these are the nine Euro-summer flogs who are about to clog up your feed (or would have, if the year wasn’t now 2020).
The ‘Nah-But-It’s-Not-As-Good-As-Nammos’ Flog
Think you’ve had an absolute belter on the Greek Islands? Think again. This flog MykoKnows that the only way to get lit up is by dropping a mortgage at Nammos Beach Club. Seemingly sponsored by Venroy, when he’s not keeping a wandering eye on the talent, this linen-legend is hitting up his mates to go six ways in the cheapest bottle service and a cabana package on offer.
Gotta get that once a year Insta-flex.
The ‘Rent-A-Yacht’ Flog (AKA Captain Yacht Weak)
All Aboard the S.S. Dry Spell. If you’re hunting for the highest concentration of Euro-Summer flogs, look no further than the glistening waters of the Mediterranean.
This flog has spent weeks geeing his mates up for Sail Croatia on a specially created WhatsApp group, SOME LIKE IT YACHT, promising the party to end all parties.
If one observes closely, you can actually see the moment his heart breaks when he realises the boat he booked is basically the hunk boat with the only two girls on board clinging to long-term boyfriends. At least he looks the part in a cheap captain’s hat and a blue and white striped shirt. Now can you PLEASE transfer him for the bags he hooked up?
The ‘Family In Europe’ Flog
Despite being the most Aussie of all your mates, ‘Chris’ transforms into ‘Christos’ the moment he touches down on ‘home soil’. Annoyingly, his mother’s cousin’s great aunt was born in a small Italian village, giving this flog endless license to abuse their barely-there heritage.
Between obnoxiously posting captions in Italian – “La Dolce Vita” – and butchering the language while trying to order food, this flog never misses an opportunity to remind everyone they’re a long lost local.
The final straw is their claim they ‘don’t get sunburnt’ because they have Mediterranean skin. Alright, Adonis, here’s the Aloe just in case.
The ‘Talks-To-A-City’ Flog
“Positano has my heart – get ready for me Paris!”
This flog is on a first name basis with the best cities in Europe, thanks mostly to a generous tax return and a Platinum Amex safety net from Dad.
Very likely to appeal on Facey when looking for help – “Recommendations for Taormina please???” – there’s a 100% chance this flog’s Insta-bio features a “Currently In” tab, with a drop pin that changes every two days. Well done Grace, you’re currently (doing my head) in.
The ‘Boomerang’ Flog
You’ll find this flog cheersing the cheapest glass of prosecco on a picnic rug underneath the Eiffel Tower at sunset. Every bland moment of their trip is pimped out by a Boomerang because everything is more fun in a mini-loop!
All ‘boomies’ come complete with obligatory location tags and Rüfüs Du Sol playing over their Instagram story.
The Flog Who ‘Reckons They Discovered Oia’
Indiana Jones of Instagram, this flog would lead you to believe they’re the first person to ever set foot in Santorini.
“You guys have to check out this incredible secret spot, the sunsets are like nothing else – it’s a hidden gem!”
Thanks for the hot tip, Mr./Miss. Worldwide. Ditch this walking ‘Lonely Planet’ flog before they have a chance to tell you about the authentic eating experience they had at a place only locals know about (McDonalds, but in Greece).
The ‘Shredded But Pretends To Have A Sloppy Rig’ Flog
Boasting a feed full of shirtless pics, this flog is a product of their local F45. They’ll use their Euro-trip to pretend they’re eating too much – cue wine and pasta emojis – while constantly posting shredded pics of their flawless rig.
You want to be real pal? Try posting a 2 am candid of you deep throating a gyros on the back of a quad bike absolutely rinsed.
The ‘Throwback’ Flog
This loser still can’t wrap their penut brain around the fact that Mykonos 2020 isn’t a goer. Posting throwbacks on social media every weekend (almost to the minute), this flog has just about recycled all their content from last year’s Eurotrip, with their dwindling engagement rate suggesting their followers no longer give a fuck.
The ‘Stuck At Home’ Flog
All of us. Quit with your throwbacks, no one cares. See you next year (maybe).
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