They’ve done it. With just a few weeks to go, science has finally made the breakthrough of the decade – by making the world’s smallest condom. So that mate of yours can now comfortably do the vertical shuffle without slapping on a loose garbage bag.
The fine folk over at TheyFit have announced a new range of condoms suitable for micro-penises (micro-penesias?). For those of you unaware, this starts at 3.1 inches long which is half the length of the average chop.
But if you’re feeling self-conscious, don’t feel bad. As the website will assure you, finding condoms that are too long for your requirements is actually quite a common issue among men.
In all seriousness, the lads and lasses at TheyFit are actually doing God’s work when it comes to de-stigmatising the demand for smaller condoms and catering to proper sizing. One should never neglect having the right fit for both sexual health and comfort reasons.
Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled piss-take. Here are some other people aside from your mate who might need one:
- Hummer drivers
- Local DJs
- People who exclusively drink craft beer
- People who think intrusively yelling “Yiew” in public is a personality
- LinkedIn recruiters who saw The Wolf of Wall Street one time and makes it everyone else’s problem
- Boss Hunting’s Creative Director, James Want
- My stepdad (fuck you, Dave)