DISCLAIMER: The tragic experiences and all views expressed in this text have been sourced from one girlโs group chat. ONE. It took some coaxing for the individuals to be able to share and reflect on their trauma. Therefore, I have renamed each contributor to protect their privacy. Each encounter was cloaked in layers of shame.
But gents, the shame is not on us. It is on you. You had one job.
We want you to do well on a first date. We really do! If weโve met on an app, weโve likely committed to a week of timely banter with you, excessively checking our phones, and stalking your ex on social media.
If we have met out on the town, thereโs been even more physical energy exerted. We spotted you from a mile away, and edged closer, in heels, until we finally got your attention. Do you think you spotted us first? Cute.
In the lead-up to the date itself, we have (at the bare minimum) paid our dues by washing our hair, applying (and then immediately strategically removing) fake tan, for that perfectly balanced โnaturalโ glow, and lastly, having our outfit reviewed by a close friend.
Imagine, our shock and horror when, after all that time, commitment, and overthinking โ sure your ex was blonde and Iโm brunette, but stranger things have happened โ no longer makes the slightest difference.
Because after we see you, and what you are wearing, our whole promising future together goes entirely to shit.
And then we have to endure at least 45-60 minutes of soul-destroying polite chat, long enough for you to go to the bathroom, so we can message our friends to tell them how you decided to rock up to our first date at a speakeasy cocktail bar.
โHeโs wearing an Akubra.โ
โSeriously?โ
โAn Akubra with a slogan tee.โ
I have grouped the offending items below, broken down by category.
Outerwear
Steph: โChocolate brown leather moto jacket.โ
Ella: โOmg. I had one of them too! Did it have the weird no-collar thing?โ
Steph: โYes! With a press stud.โ
Chloe: โAnd elastic on the wrists :'(โ
Steph: โShit, you too?โ
Chloe: โMy guy kept pulling things out of his front pockets. The brown was like faded with overuse.โ
Ella: โI remember him! The magician!โ
Chloe: โYeah! He pulled out lip balm, an eye mask, boarding pass, and just lay them on the table. I asked if he had recently been on a plane. He said no?โ
Em: โHe wore a Fred Perry. Vest.โ
(String of OMGs and head-exploding emojis)
Em: โโฆ that he got, on sale.โ
Steph: โHow do you know it was on sale?โ
Em: โHe wouldnโt shut up about it.โ
Bella: โWhatโs wrong with Fred Perry?โ
Ruby: โWow.โ
Clothing
Maddy: โHe stood up from the table wearing black harem pants.โ
Steph: โThatโs horrific.โ
Maddy: โLook! I snapped a photo when he was at the bar.โ
Sends attachment.
Chloe: โHe looks like 2Pac.โ
Ruby: โWorse. More like, a Japanese Samurai?โ
Bella: โWhy is there so much material? Itโs just excessive.โ
Maddy: โAnd! He was drinking a beer out of a horn!โ
Steph: โLol! Did he take you to that Viking-themed bar?โ
Maddy: โYes! I had no idea what it was. It was all just too much.โ
Chloe: โOnce a guy came in a Deus Muscle tank, so loose and so worn, that I could see his nipple the whole time.โ
Em: โEw. Just the one nipple?โ
Chloe: โYeah! It was just staring at me, deep into my soul. I felt so exposed.โ
Amy: โHe wore a Superman shirt on underneath his business shirt to give him confidence.โ
Ella: โIt doesnโt sound like it workedโฆโ
Amy: โNo. No, it did notโฆโ
Accessories
Bella: โFingerless gloves.โ
Chloe: โWhy is that still a thing?โ
Maddy: โItโs not a thing.โ
Bella: โI know! I felt obligated to comment on them. To like, acknowledge we were both in their presenceโฆ So I said โcute gloves.โ He said, โThanks! my mum knitted them from our pet alpaca.โ
Chloe: โI canโt. Was this in Melbourne?โ
Bella: โWe were on Chapel Street in Windsor. I wanted to die.โ
Amy: โHe messaged me that he had arrivedโฆโIโm at the back in a Jazzy scarf.'โ
Em: โAnd did you immediately turn back around?โ
Amy: โIt was too late. He propped it up on the table too! Like a trophy. I took a photo when he was in the bathroom and sent it to my friends.โ
Sends attachment.
Ruby: โOmgg, Iโve seen it on Hinge!โ
Amy: โMy friends spotted IT out later that night!โ
Maddy: โIT IS SO OFFENSIVE. Get it away!โ
Amy has deleted the attachment.
Chloe: โHe stopped and put on a pair of slimline black leather gloves.โ
Ella: โChloe. You didnโt need to go through that alone. Weโre here.โ
Chloe: โThanks, guys. It was summer? It was warm? My eyes kept darting to the nearest bins. I thought he was going to slice me up.โ
Steph: โA leather satchel.โ
Shoes
Ella: โHe rocked up, barefoot.โ
Steph: โWas heโฆโ
Ella: โNo. He was not hot enough to pull it off.โ
Maddy: โWow. What did you do?โ
Ella: โWe couldnโt get into a bar with him dressed like that, so he took me to Boost Juice.โ
Em: โWhite loafers.โ
Maddy: โFaded brown crinkly business shoes.โ
Chloe: โMake it stop!โ
Combinations
Ruby: โSurprise cornrows, dressed in bootleg jeans with polished black dress shoes.โ
Multiple responses of clapping hands emoji.
Ruby: โHaha yeah like maybe I could have dealt with one of those items in isolation? But I got the trifecta.โ
Bella: โHe wore a wetsuit because he came from the beach.โ
Chloe: โThatโs fair?โ
Bella: โExcept we met hours after. In the suburbs.โ
Steph: โYep, thatโs the hook!โ
Tips
Sometimes, less is just the best. Strip down your choice of options to some of whatโs listed below, and then feel free to combine them as you see fit. Always dress appropriately for the climate, and the occasion.
And I hate that I actually have to emphasize this, but everything should be clean.
Consider the following:
- A quality plain tee, ironed so the neckline and pockets look like new.
- You absolutely canโt go wrong with a button-up shirt in muted colour palettes. Opt for experimenting with different textures of shirts, over introducing bolder colours or patterns.
- A nice cut of jeans, that arenโt ripped or excessively faded.
- Well-fitted chinos. We donโt want to look down and see the material hanging on for dear life around your quads.
- A fitted blazer will basically dress up anything, but only suits the right location.
- Always have a pair of crisp leather sneakers and a good pair of dress shoes on hand.
- If youโre coming from the office in a suit, youโre probably good to go.
When you think you want to add an accessory, just donโt. But if you are sticking with your guns, at least ensure the item is in a muted colour palette. And never anything knitted from your mum.
