Love it or hate it, the Goldman Sachs Elevator (@GSElevator) Twitter account is one of the funniest parody accounts on social media. While a lot of the tweets are obnoxious garbage, if you sift through the feed, turns out there’s actually some salient advice that any man should hear. Take note (and also with a grain of salt).
1. Never date an ex of your friend.
2. Be a regular at more than one bar.
3. You probably use your mobile phone too often and at the wrong moments.
4. No selfies. Aspire to experience photo-worthy moments in the company of a beautiful woman.
5. Staying angry is a waste of energy.
6. Cracked iPhone screen. Michael Kors bag. Excessive use of emoji in text. If any 2 out of 3, run fast.
7. Never fly an airline where your checked bags might cost more than your seat.
8. When the bartender asks, you should already know what you want to drink.
9. It’s ok to trade the possibility of your 80s and 90s for more guaranteed fun in your 20s and 30s.
10. Rebel from business casual. Burn your khakis and wear a suit or jeans.
11. Be spontaneous.
12. Never stay out after midnight three nights in a row… Unless something really good comes up on the third night.
13. Always carry cash. Keep some in your front pocket.
14. You will regret your tattoos.
15. Do 50 push-ups, sit-ups, and dips before you shower each morning.
16. People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy.
17. When in doubt, always kiss the girl.
18. Statistically speaking, you shouldn’t worry about what your first wife’s mother looks like.
19. Act like you’ve been there before. It doesn’t matter if it’s in the end zone at the Super Bowl or on a private plane.
20. Always bring a bottle of something to the party.
21. If riding the bus doesn’t incentivise you to improve your station in life, nothing will.
22. An online IQ test should just be one question: Would you be willing to spend twenty minutes taking an online IQ test.
23. Hooking up with an ex is like a dog eating its vomit.
25. Life is too short to do your own laundry.
26. If you abstain from drugs and alcohol, you don’t actually live longer. It just seems longer.
27. Checking your phone after someone else pulls out their phone is the yawn of our generation
28. Don’t gamble if losing $100 is going to piss you off.
29. Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them.
30. When people don’t invite you to a party, you really shouldn’t go. And sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go.
31. Don’t wear shoes memorable enough to be recognized under a bathroom stall.
32. There’s always another level. Just be content knowing that you are still better off than most who have ever lived.
33. People who are too nice are way creepier than people who are assholes.
34. If you perspire, wear a damn undershirt.
35. Hookers aren’t cool, but remember, the free ones are a lot more expensive.
36. Learn how to fly-fish.
37. A glass of wine or two with lunch will not ruin your day.
38. Tip more than you should.
39. Ask for a salad instead of fries
40. You can get away with a lot more if you’re the one buying the drinks.
41. If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
42. Place-dropping is worse than-name dropping.
43. Yes, of course you have to buy her dinner.
44. The best revenge is not giving a shit.
45. One girlfriend at a time is probably enough.
46. Buy a tuxedo before you are 30. Stay that size.
47. If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… Because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.
48. Remember, “rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.”
49. Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised.
50. If you find yourself using the ‘crazy ones, misfits, rebels’ Steve Jobs quote, odds are you are none of the above.
51. Guys who mime golf swings in the office never break 100 on the course.
52. If you’re not dead to at least one person, you’re not living right.
53. Start every cell conversation with ‘my phone’s about to die’ so people don’t waste your time.
54. Find a Times New Roman in the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets. She exists.
55. Buy expensive sunglasses. Superficial? Yes, but so are the women judging you. And it tells these women you appreciate nice things and are responsible enough not to lose them.
56. Own a handcrafted shotgun. It’s a beautiful thing.
57. Don’t split a check.
58. Desserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours.
59. No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it.
60. Never take an ex back. She tried to do better and is settling with you.
61. In life, as in sports, the boos always come from the cheap seats.
62. Measure yourself only against your previous self.
63. Your ties should be rolled and placed in a sectioned tie drawer.
64. Read more. It allows you to borrow someone else’s brain, and will make you more interesting at a dinner party — provided that you don’t initiate conversation with, “So, who are you reading…”
65. Work hard. Eat right. Exercise. Don’t drink too much. And only buy what you can afford. It’s not rocket science.
66. If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone.
67. The grass is greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
68. Throw parties. But have someone else clean up the next day.
69. ‘It is what it is.’ The prevailing crutch of the stupid and inarticulate.
70. There’s no such thing as a hopeless situation, just hopeless people in situations.
71. If her profile pic’s an 8, she’s a 4. Move on.
72. People who always fly business class don’t post photos of themselves flying business class.
73. Wanna stay together? Spend a lot of time apart.
74. ‘Sorry, I’m bad with names’ is the most polite way of telling people that you are also a fucking idiot.
75. Nothing says ‘fuck you’ to your family & friends like a destination wedding.
76. 80% of lottery winners go broke because 100% of lottery players are fucking idiots.
77. Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can’t tell anyone about.