With great power, comes great responsibility. And this is one I am not taking lightly. I put the word out within my circles, as well as women far and wide to heed the call. The objective? To assist me in collating a comprehensive guide of casual sex etiquette, which we wish you already knew.
Contrary to popular belief, we aren’t always trying to lock you down with the intention of throwing away the key. Female intuition is a powerful one.
If we’ve sensed:
- You’re a player
- We lack a deep meaningful connection
- You don’t check the big-ticket items on our wishlist…
Then maybe all we want from you is fun. And we’re absolutely not sorry about it. So don’t make us regret it.
At times it is hard, at times it is hilarious, and at other times it triggers PTSD in my own bed. But I’ve pulled through the madness to share my findings below. Please live, breath and abide by them.
Basic hygiene, please
For fuck’s sake. “Dirty fingernails. Where the hell did he think I was going to let him put them?” – anonymous, and scarred.
It sounds deceptively simple but you would be surprised by what we’re expected to deal with.
Casual encounters and big nights on the town go together like… but please spruce up; try your best to be relatively freshly showered, taste minty fresh, and for the love of God, greet us with clean hands.
Host with the most
“It was thin. Worn. And full of holes” – anonymous, and freezing.
Thankfully, it wasn’t the condom, but it wasn’t all good either. If you want us to stick around for the morning and not be resentful that we did… we, at the bare minimum, expect our own pillow, a decent duvet, fresh linen (Adairs literally have 30% off right now), and adequate toilet paper.
If you think that’s too much, the majority of girls polled admitted to flat out walking out of a guy’s place if he didn’t have a BED FRAME. Brutal, but fair.
If you have roommates we may encounter on the way to the bathroom, please extend an article of clothing we can don en-route.
Please enquire about our levels of comfort, temperature and if we would like any snacks. No one is happy when they’re hungry. And let’s all hope that together we’ve worked up an appetite.
Cut the Crap, Condom on
Women worldwide are over the whole “I’ll get one soon” charade. It is not cute.
Listen, we’re not inhumane, and we’re not idiots. We know it feels better without, but we also don’t know where you’ve been. As the wiser and more evolved of the sexes, and the ones who have to deal with the consequences, we simply have to demand this one.
Don’t make it difficult. The more you resist, the more we’re going to insist on game-over.
And BYO. We can take a guess, of course, but if we optimistically pull out a fresh box of “XL”, and the reality is… otherwise. Well, let’s all try to avoid that chat, shall we?
Please prepare a fresh, reliable, new condom, that hasn’t been in your jean pocket, or through the washing machine. if you are at our place, please dispose of it nicely. Thanks.
Fun for everyone
This chat became so filthy and heated amongst my friends that I have to dumb it down;
- Just because it might be casual, doesn’t mean we’re porn stars
- It is not an open invite to tick off every kinky, creepy, sexual desire or fetish your ex wouldn’t let you do to her
- Everyone gets their kicks from different things, and places, but communication is key. It is meant to be fun for both of us
Sleeping is a contract
“He wouldn’t touch me in the morning. What a waste.” – anonymous, and furious.
Sleeping at your place, or hosting you for a sleepover at ours, involves:
- Forfeiting our multi-step skincare routine
- An (often) uncomfortable and sleepless night
- Skipping our morning Pilates class
- And sprinting to the bathroom in the morning to fix our hair and gargle on the sly.
Why would we sign up, you ask? Quid pro quo. Evidently, women will trade all of the above for good morning sex. And if it’s not on the table, we would like to know sooner rather than later.
Sleeping is not implied. If you’re not into it or think you won’t be able to go round two in the AM, commit to an adequate snuggle period before taking an Uber home, or politely asking us to not spend the night.
While we’re on the topic of the next morning, another contentious issue was ‘men who linger longer’. Feel it out, and don’t overstay your welcome. If she’s showered, keeps disappearing from the bedroom, and staging emergency phone calls – she wants you to GTFO.
Let’s all be adults here
There are different rules for following up a casual encounter, versus following up on a date. A message with a cheeky “Thanks” ‘I had fun’ and maybe a personal joke or two will do. Include “We should do it again” only if you genuinely mean it.
No one casual encounter, or even an ongoing string of them with the same person, is ever going to be the same. Perhaps your routine is Friday and Saturday night check-in’s only, always meeting at a bar first, or it might be straight into Netflix and Chill.
Either way, if it’s looking like it might be a regular FWB scenario, uncomplicate things for everyone by agreeing together on some ground rules, and shared expectations.
Furthermore, let’s all commit here to no ghosting, and having a proper exit chat with the other person if we’re feeling over it. Or if we sense the other might want more than something casual. Hey, if you actually wind up dating, stranger things have happened. But you need to make sure you’re on the same page.
Practising casual sex etiquette really isn’t that hard. But to get to this point, you have to also make sure you don’t wear one of these items of clothing to a first date.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.