There’s no better time to examine the human zoo than during a crisis. Unsurprisingly, the current global pandemic of COVID-19 has presented somewhat entertaining results – albeit wildly disappointing. Here are eight flogs you’ll only find during a global pandemic.
1. The #Hustle Flog
Otherwise known as the LinkedIn Flog – these units can be found hammering on about how COVID-19 is your “sink or swim” moment to an audience of vulnerable hospitality and retail workers. Aside from having impeccable timing and a gift for reading the room, this specific individual also holds a black belt in self-promotion. You may be unemployed and grappling with your finances – but it’s business as usual over here. In fact, you’ll never have to ask – they’ll update you regularly about just how regular business is from now until the end of time. At least that’s what they’d have you believe.
Behind closed doors, you can bet your bottom dollar this flog is exhaling a sigh of relief that they can move back in with their parents. Even getting said parents to mass text other parents to check out their failing startup, for a combination of extra traffic and sneaky email database building. Because as it turns out, managing Instagram talent in the current economy isn’t the sure-thing they thought it’d be. Nor is it sustainable, given managing talent actually requires a talent component to manage.
Bonus: “I believe in my vision so much, I just asked my landlord to RAISE my rent #25/8 #nodaysoff #wespace #sponsored”
2. The Big Short Flog
A cousin to the #Hustle Flog, the Big Short Flog is 20% less nauseating, 20% less delusional – but also missing 20% of their baseline human conscience. With dreams of hitting it big after watching the movie – and reading the first twenty pages of the book before giving up – this creature is predominantly nocturnal. At any given night, you may find the Big Short Flog awake at 3 AM to watch the US markets open; figuratively (sometimes literally) masturbating themselves silly to the Volatility Index; as well as sussing out how they can bet against the world economy six ways to Sunday for moderate personal gain, using what little cash they have leftover from a failed cypto play. Leveraged ETFs, currency exchange, buying barrels of oil while it’s negative – you name it, they’re in it.
Bonus: Just don’t contextualise the shorts with unemployment stats and shit, bro. That’d really, like, bum them out and everything. Don’t think about it so much, bro. It’s just business.
3. The Conspiracy Flog
These modern day scholars have managed to uncover a massive government scheme to eradicate the general population. Despite the fact that the majority of them can’t even name the three branches of government. I guess it just wasn’t in the School of Hard Knox’s curriculum.
You know what was covered, though? Counter-espionage. The politics of Chinese communism in the Labor Party. Fundamentals of radiobiology and 5G. Economic solutions based on simply buying Australian. Not to worry, people – our finest operators are on the case. We’re making this country fair dinkum again.
Bonus: “Do not share. You have to copy – I Don’t Give Coronavirus Permission To Infect Me, My Family Or Any People I Know, Both Of The Past And The Future. By This Statement, I Give My Notice To Coronavirus That It Is Strictly Forbidden To Infect Me, Infect Anybody Close To Me, Make Me Ill, Send Me, Or Any Of My Family Members Into Quarantine, Or Take Any Other Action Against Me On The Basis Of My Body And/Or Its contents. The Wellness Of My Body Is Private And Confidential. The Violation Of Privacy Can Be Punished By Law (UCC 1-308-1 1 308-103 And The Rome Statute). If You Do Not Publish A Statement At Least Once, You Have Given The Tacit Agreement Allowing You To Be Infected, As Well As All Of Your Friends On Your Facebook Page.”
4. The Denier Flog
Here’s a next-level checkmate for all of you straight from the MENSA-tier genius of the Denier Flog. If COVID-19 was really that bad, how come we haven’t had more deaths yet??? A-HA! Got you all there, haven’t they? It’s almost as if effective control of public health has somehow, oh I don’t know, mitigated what otherwise could have been a far larger scale disaster? But seriously, guys. We should all just resume life as normal so the Denier Flog can finally go to the hairdresser, play some extremely mediocre golf, and defend George Pell in the streets. Also see – the Refuses To Stay Inside Flog.
5. The Tik Tok Flog
Whoever told the Tik Tok Flog they were special as a child – and that they could accomplish anything they set their mind to – were straight up lying. The Tik Tok Flog can do maybe three things, at best:
- Identify when someone else has done something that will draw attention.
- Demonstrate basic motor skills by copying said attention-drawing routine.
- Have a superhuman – bordering on the sociopathic – ability to never feel shame.
You can cite the facts and figures behind the platform all you want. I’m sure Imagine Dragons makes a lot of money and reach a lot of people too. But I’d rather be publicly stoned to death before suffering the indignity of joining either fandoms.
Bonus: Tell your mate approaching his late 20s to stop watching that chick. She’s almost certainly underage, and that look in their eye is more than certainly creepy.
6. The Panic Buyer Flog
Somewhere in the back of their mind, the Panic Buyer Flog has had a single message about how the Chinese word for “crisis” also happens to mean “opportunity” playing in an endless loop. “This is the big one,” they whisper to themselves. Pulling up their three-quarter khaki shorts, and sharpening their elbows, they tear out of the cul-de-sac doing 120 in a 50 zone – charged, primed, and ready to get their fuck on.
At Woolies, this OTT operator channels a lifetime of hurt, anguish, and dormant rage from being called a “cuck” or whatever. They have now ascended to become utterly ruthless. This is no longer a regular Woolies, this is the goddamn Thunderdome. Stiff arming, shoulder charging, swinging heavy on unsuspecting elderly folks, they obtain every bit of toilet paper and hand sanitiser possible.
But the deadliest one-two-punch combo isn’t even the ones they threw at self-checkout. It’s what happens when they log onto Facebook Marketplace to sell individual rolls at a +150% mark-up to the very same retirees they just cattledogged. Nothing’s stopping the Panic Buyer Flog from getting a fat slice of that $300/week social welfare cheque.
Bonus: “Don’t attack me for making sure my family was prepared for the pandanemic !!!1! [sic.]”
7. The Landlord Flog
Airbnb host went berserk— Yaser Bishr (@YaserBi) March 23, 2020
In the wake of disaster, a good portion of landlords did the honourable thing by either suspending or reducing rent. The Landlord Flog, however, began eyeing down their tenants like an LAPD officer eyeing down a law-abiding black man in 1991.
This was the moment they’ve been waiting for. Licking their lips in preparation for a taste of sweet desperation, their breathing gets heavier. “Steady on now,” they think to themselves. “Don’t rush this, they’re not going anywhere.” Jeans tightening by the second, the Landlord Flog begins typing an email one finger at a time. Before long, something thinly veiled in a veneer of one-sentence-empathy is produced; notifying tenants that not only is rent still be due on the first – there’s a cheeky 10% increase. Don’t be so selfish, you ungrateful fools! You wouldn’t even HAVE a place to live without them negatively gearing in bulk! Being a landlord is a real job too!
Bonus: Something something valuable member of society something something late stage capitalism. You know where I’m going with this.
8. The Boss Hunting Flog
Staring down the barrel of yet another empty slot in the BH social channels without anything to post because nothing really happens in the world anymore – and having completely exhausted the repost value of that one story where Kimi Raikonnen retired from the Monaco GP and walked straight to his yacht (you know the one) – ‘The Boss Hunting Flog” has resorted to an easy and battle-tested formula: flog-posting.
Blending Betoota’s superior comedic chops with The Bell Tower Time’s human zoo approach, this resident flog is close to drying out their creative well-spring. But not to worry – if the desired traffic doesn’t come through, they’ll simply post some sex article around 9 PM to bait clicks and get across the line (yes, we know you click on those despite virtually zero social engagement).
Bonus: I’m not sorry.