Balenciaga Fished Its Latest Sneakers From A Dumpster & Wants You To Pay $895

Balenciaga Paris Sneakers

Alright. The joke’s over, Balenciaga. We had a nice little giggle about your $5,625 tradie chic high-vis jackets. Your $2,845 lunch boxes were admittedly a lol. We even let your recent collaboration with Crocs slide (no pun intended). But this time, you’ve crossed a line with the Balenciaga Paris Sneakers.

It’s one thing to shit on my feet. It’s another thing entirely to ask me for a smidge under four figures to rep tattered and stained canvas hi-tops. Because I’m telling you right now — if presented with the option to either pay my rent for a fortnight or contract hepatitis while capitalist ghouls like Demna Gvasalia and Cédric Charbit line their smug, avant-garde pockets… the choice is very clear. Why anyone would voluntarily let their skin come into direct contact with prehistoric cum rags is simply beyond me.

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According to the renowned fashion house, this is (supposedly) part of a creative marketing campaign to suggest Balenciaga Paris sneakers are “meant to be worn for a lifetime”; and it’s worth noting the ones being sold aren’t as atrocious as the ones being advertised above. Although for $895, they aren’t far off.

But if social commentary and a sustainability message were sincerely the key objectives here, they wouldn’t have dreamed about commodifying literal garbage by issuing a limited release of 100 pairs in all its “distressed” glory. Side note: watch the legions of international students queue up for these brain-dead status symbols (you know precisely which kind).

This isn’t “provocative.” This isn’t “edgy.” This isn’t “controversial.” This is the most transparent bullshit since Pyongyang’s 2019 election. This is the branded equivalent of being stitched up with the UberXL fare during a night out, left with nothing in return except the empty promise the fellas will shout you a drink once everyone gets to the next stop.

And to quote the immortal thespian Brian Cox in HBO’s Succession: fuck off.