In case anyone needed a quick reminder about the ridiculous state of modern-day investing, allow us to introduce you to Mr Goxx. Despite his rather proper name, Mr Goxx isnโt even a human beingโฆ heโs a goddamn hamster based in Germany who has been independently โtradingโ cryptocurrency since June 12th to a certain degree of success. In fact, given the 24% return on his entire portfolio as of last Friday, Mr Goxx the hamster has actually been outperforming both legendary investor Warren Buffett as well as the S&P 500 across the same period.
The question on everyoneโs lips right about now is, โHow can a literal rodent be running laps around the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway?โ As much as it may break your heart to hear, no โ this isnโt a Flowers For Algernon situation, nor a borderline uncomfortable instance of a furry, human-like friend who gets picked for adoption over actual children in an orphanage and speaks with Michael J. Foxโs voice. It all comes down to a tongue-in-cheek bit of innovation from Mr Goxxโs unidentified caretaker/business partner dubbed the โGoxx Boxx.โ
Essentially, the Goxx Boxx is a miniature office space โ separate from Mr Goxxโs main residence/hamster cage โ where he can clock in whenever he likes (flexible working hours are super necessary), and perform various exercises linked to executing specific actions in the realm of trading cryptocurrency.
The first component involves something known as the โIntention Wheelโ, which Mr Goxx runs on to pick from a selection of 30 cryptocurrencies. Once chosen, he can make his way through one of two โDecision Tunnelsโ, which triggers either a buy or sell order of the designated crypto in โฌ20 increments. Funded by an initial investment of โฌ330, at the portfolioโs all-time high earlier this month, the total value approached โฌ500 (gains nearing +50%). Currently, Mr Goxx is holding Rippleโs XRP, Cardanoโs ADA, Ether, Tron.
โThere are plans to give Mr Goxx more control and let him intentionally pick his buy amount if the interest in his channel keeps growing,โ his caretaker/business partner tells Protos.
โMr Goxx is happy to see that some of his investments finally pay off.โ
The major takeaway from this story? Aside from proving A Random Walk Down Wall Street author Burton Malkielโs assertions that a blindfolded monkey could throw darts at a newspaperโs ticker code list and rival finance professionals, itโs this: If you arenโt making any money from crypto in 2021 when children and vermin alike are finding real-life successโฆ what the fuck are you doing?
Check out Mr Goxx the cryptocurrency trading hamster โ AKA The Hamster of Wall Street โ undergo his very first performance review below (adorable, I know).
