Crypto-Trading Hamster Has Quietly Outperformed Warren Buffett For Months

Mr Goxx Hamster Trading Cryptocurrency

In case anyone needed a quick reminder about the ridiculous state of modern-day investing, allow us to introduce you to Mr Goxx. Despite his rather proper name, Mr Goxx isn’t even a human being… he’s a goddamn hamster based in Germany who has been independently “trading” cryptocurrency since June 12th to a certain degree of success. In fact, given the 24% return on his entire portfolio as of last Friday, Mr Goxx the hamster has actually been outperforming both legendary investor Warren Buffett as well as the S&P 500 across the same period.

The question on everyone’s lips right about now is, “How can a literal rodent be running laps around the CEO of Berkshire Hathaway?” As much as it may break your heart to hear, no – this isn’t a Flowers For Algernon situation, nor a borderline uncomfortable instance of a furry, human-like friend who gets picked for adoption over actual children in an orphanage and speaks with Michael J. Fox’s voice. It all comes down to a tongue-in-cheek bit of innovation from Mr Goxx’s unidentified caretaker/business partner dubbed the “Goxx Boxx.”

RELATED: At 19, Warren Buffett’s Son Sold Berkshire Hathaway Stocks For $123,000… It’s Now Worth Over $275 Million

Mr Goxx Hamster Trading Cryptocurrency

Essentially, the Goxx Boxx is a miniature office space – separate from Mr Goxx’s main residence/hamster cage – where he can clock in whenever he likes (flexible working hours are super necessary), and perform various exercises linked to executing specific actions in the realm of trading cryptocurrency.

The first component involves something known as the “Intention Wheel”, which Mr Goxx runs on to pick from a selection of 30 cryptocurrencies. Once chosen, he can make his way through one of two “Decision Tunnels”, which triggers either a buy or sell order of the designated crypto in €20 increments. Funded by an initial investment of €330, at the portfolio’s all-time high earlier this month, the total value approached €500 (gains nearing +50%). Currently, Mr Goxx is holding Ripple’s XRP, Cardano’s ADA, Ether, Tron.

“There are plans to give Mr Goxx more control and let him intentionally pick his buy amount if the interest in his channel keeps growing,” his caretaker/business partner tells Protos.

Mr Goxx Hamster Trading Cryptocurrency

“Mr Goxx is happy to see that some of his investments finally pay off.”

The major takeaway from this story? Aside from proving A Random Walk Down Wall Street author Burton Malkiel’s assertions that a blindfolded monkey could throw darts at a newspaper’s ticker code list and rival finance professionals, it’s this: If you aren’t making any money from crypto in 2021 when children and vermin alike are finding real-life success… what the fuck are you doing?

Check out Mr Goxx the cryptocurrency trading hamster – AKA The Hamster of Wall Street – undergo his very first performance review below (adorable, I know).